


six inch valley through the middle of my soul

by sperrywink



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Brooklyn, Coffee Shops, Disabled Character, Flea Markets, Hand Jobs, M/M, Meet-Cute, Oral Sex, Parades, Phone Sex, phone sex operator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-08
Updated: 2015-08-08
Packaged: 2018-04-13 15:23:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4527243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sperrywink/pseuds/sperrywink
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Home from the Middle East after losing his arm, veteran Bucky calls a phone sex line. He gets Steve.</p>
            </blockquote>





	six inch valley through the middle of my soul

**Author's Note:**

> I was thinking to myself that while I enjoyed all the stories where Bucky mistakenly thinks Steve is a phone sex operator, wouldn't it be a nice twist if Steve actually worked as one. Thus this story was born, although it kind of got away from its simple premise.

It wasn’t that Bucky was a prude. He’d been in the Army, and even before that he had been popular with women. Things were just different now, and he didn’t mean just the missing arm. That had been a… cognitive recalibration for him. He had stopped lying to himself about who he was, what he was scared of, and what he wanted. 

To have faced death and not blinked, to have still saved his squad, to have lost a significant part of himself and survived, it just seemed pointless to continue being a liar on top of it. So he was honest with Dum Dum and Gabe when they Skyped him from the desert and asked about his love life. He was honest about not having one, and honest about not being interested in women, not really.

Dum Dum looked knowingly at him, but he was gratified that it seemed to stun Gabe at least. He didn’t like feeling like he wore his sexuality on his sleeve after thinking he had hidden it for so long, despite his new resolve. Dum Dum quickly asked, “So any interesting blokes then?”

“Nah, no one wants a scarred, one-armed guy, who can’t even sleep through the night.”

“People want all kinds of crazy things, crazier than your dumb ass,” Gabe said with a wink, recovering from his shock. It was a good enough comeback to get an approving look from Dum Dum, and Gabe grinned harder.

Thinking of amputee fetishists and other creeps, Bucky snorted. “Yeah, but I don’t want those fuckers.”

Dum Dum said, “Maybe you just have to get your feet wet.”

“I am not getting blowjobs in back alleys. Brooklyn alleys are filthy.”

“I was thinking phone sex.”

“Dude,” Gabe said breathily, but encouragingly. “That’s perfect.”

“Are you crazy? I have one arm, how the hell am I supposed to hold a phone and jack off?”

Now it was Dum Dum’s turn to roll his eyes. “Speaker phone.”

Out of objections, Bucky just said, “Huh.”

Both Dum Dum and Gabe nodded knowingly, and fist-bumped. Bucky rolled his eyes, and knew he would be fielding questions about phone sex lines for the next six months, but he didn’t mind. They were his brothers and they were worth the ribbing.

* * *

* * *

Still, just to be recalcitrant, Bucky tried online porn first. It definitely proved he was interested in men, but kind of got boring after a week. There was no connection, which was ridiculous when Bucky articulated his dissatisfaction to himself. He had never cared about _connection_ with the women he had fucked in the past, but maybe that was why women weren’t his thing. Still he felt ridiculous wanting connection just to get off. He felt like he was doing it wrong.

So he found his gaze wandering as the men fucked on screen, noticing the blinking ads, some advertising phone sex. He knew that clicking them was a gateway to computer viruses and malware, but he still hovered his mouse pointer over them after each unsatisfying porn video, undecided.

He finally called deep in the night after being woken up by a sex dream. He had only had nightmares for so long that he burned to chase this feeling down, and come with a rush. So before his erection had the chance to fade he opened his phone, searched for phone sex, and called the first number that seemed legitimate.

He had forgotten about payment details, so his cock softened as he scrounged up his wallet and shared his credit card number, but he was then saying he wanted a male, and he was being transferred. A rich, strong voice said, “Hi there.”

Bucky’s voice cracked even though all he said was, “Hey.” He could feel a blush creeping up his face, and he wanted to throw an arm over it, but he had forgotten to switch to speaker. He felt like a doofus, but his cock had twitched as that voice washed over him even just saying those two words, so he couldn’t bring himself to hang up.

“So what’s your name, fella?”

“Fella, really? Are you from the forties, or just playing me, pal?” Bucky wanted to facepalm once the quip left his mouth. Real sexy, there. But the voice had tinges of a Brooklyn accent, and it made Bucky so happy, sank into his bones, he just had to express it.

With a happy smirk in his voice too, the guy snapped back, “Pal, really? Who are you? James Cagney?”

Bucky barked out a laugh. It sounded happier than he had sounded in months, and he blinked in surprise. The guy continued with, “So shall I call you fella, or are you gonna give me a name?”

A bit disoriented by his reaction to the guy, Bucky gave his nickname, despite having already thought that he should use his first name James for anonymity.

The guy said, “You can call me Grant, Bucky.”

“You don’t sound like a Grant.”

‘So call me whatever you like, I promise I won’t mind.”

“Nah, Grant works.”

Grant asked, “So what are you wearing?”

Bucky laughed again, and Grant downright giggled over the phone. Charmed again, but unable to keep the snark inside, Bucky managed to get out, “Really? That’s what you got?”

Grant did a full-sounding laugh at that, and replied, “You’d be surprised at how well it works most times. Saying how much I want your big, gorgeous cock also works surprisingly well.”

Bucky’s cock twitched and started hardening again. He heard himself gasp. Hearing that voice say cock went straight to his hindbrain.

With a grin in his voice, Grant said, “Oh, you liked that. Let’s talk about how well it fits in my mouth and how good it feels hitting the back of my throat as you fuck my face then.”

His cock was starting to jut out as it hardened further, and Bucky panted for a second, imaging the warm wet feeling of a great blowjob. Still, Bucky had always been a smartass, so despite his breathy tone, what he said was, “Shouldn’t you be telling me how gorgeous you are?”

“Anything you want. You want to know about my big, blue eyes looking up at you as I slowly suck you into my mouth, and rub my tongue along your cock? My strong hands as I encourage your hips to thrust hard into my mouth, and my achingly hard cock as I press the heel of my hand against it because I am so turned on by blowing you?” 

The crazy thing was that this guy sounded turned on. He voice was getting huskier and huskier, and there was almost a moaning quality to his words. It ramped up Bucky’s arousal like nothing had since forever. Not the porn, not his imagination, not the last girl he had fucked, nothing. This was the connection he had been missing, as slight as it was.

With a death grip on his phone, wishing for his other hand desperately, not knowing whether he was going to come or cry, all Bucky could say was, “Oh.”

“Are you thrusting hard into my mouth now, or are you dragging it out to make me beg? Cause I will. I want to. I want to _plead_ with you to fuck me hard.”

Bucky was panting for real now, his hips were arching into air, his cock was hard as a rock, and he finally, finally remembered again about using speaker phone. He said, “I need to put you on speaker phone. Is that all right?”

Sounding a bit thrown for a second by the non-sequitur before getting his voice under control, Grant said, “Sure, whatever you need.”

Feeling embarrassed and defiant, his erection losing some traction, Bucky said, “It’s not a kink, I just have the one arm.”

Sounding consoling, but not pitying, thankfully, Grant replied, “Then by all means, knock yourself out. I’ll get more comfortable too, and you can tell me when you’re settled.”

Bucky nodded as if Grant could see him, and then quickly found the symbol on his phone, hitting it to activate the speaker option. He could here Grant breathing on the other end. Before saying anything, he mentally scolded himself to be brave and to not just hang up, he was a combat veteran for chrissakes. 

Then he shimmied out of his sleep pants, pushing them off with his feet. Lying back, he looked at the phone by his hip, his hand hovering over it, but then he took his hand away, laying it on his thigh. Taking a deep breath, he asked, “Can you hear me?”

Grant instantly replied with, “More importantly, can you hear me?”

Still trying to psych himself up again, Bucky said, “Yeah, yeah. Let’s do this.”

“So let’s go back to me begging for you cock.” His voice deepening, the faint sounds of a hand on flesh coming through the tinny phone, Grant whispered, “Come on, baby, I want all of it. Let me have it. I want to feel your cock for days afterwards. My mouth bruised and gone, just from sucking you off so good.”

Bucky couldn’t have contained his groan if he had wanted to. His hand gripped his hardening cock, and gave it a quick stroke. He didn’t know if it was worth asking Grant if he was touching himself. He wanted him to, but if he wasn’t, he would surely lie, so maybe Bucky would just let his imagination and the sounds drive him higher, without questioning the fantasy. 

Grant said, “Let me suck you for days, feel the bitter taste of your pre-come on my tongue, and the smooth glide of your cock filling my mouth, and then leaving me gasping for more.”

Bucky’s hand moved faster on his cock, until his dry hand became too painful, and then he lifted it to spit on his palm. It wasn’t a sexy sound, but Grant moaned anyway, and the sounds of flesh meeting flesh quickened over the phone. Grant said, “Yeah, that’s right, let me get your cock nice and wet for you, sliding my tongue over the length, teasing the slit while looking up at you, all big eyes and yearning.”

All Bucky could do was stroke faster and harder, and say, “God.”

“You like my eyes, Bucky? You keep moaning when I mention them. You thinking about how they darken with every thrust into my body? All big and dark, as they beg for more and more?”

Bucky closed his eyes so he could savor that image, his hand moving whip fast along his cock now. He had always been quiet, three nosy sisters will do that to you, but a small moan still escaped him. Grant moaned in response, and he said, “Yeah, you like that. Come on, Buck, let me hear you.”

Bucky tried to keep his sounds quiet, but he gasped and moaned as his orgasm shuddered through him. Afterwards, he limply melted into the bed. He hadn’t felt so spent since he was a teenager. Slowly the surrounding sounds and sensations came back to him, and he could here Grant grunting over the phone, whispering, “Jesus, that was hot.” 

He could tell Grant was into it, wondering again about him jerking off to Bucky, and feeling relaxed and sated, Bucky asked, “Now it’s your turn. You want to come?”

“You know I do.”

Not even sure where the words were coming from, Bucky found himself spilling out with the dirtiest words he could ever remember saying. “So if I drop to my knees, and wrap my hand around yours on your cock, and tell you how hot you look with my come dribbling down your chin, you’d like that? Me all flushed and spent, shaking from how good it was, but still pushing through it to get my hands on your cock, feeling it hard and dripping in my hand.”

There was a long, loud moan through the phone, loud enough that Bucky wondered about his neighbors briefly, before getting back with the program and smiling goofily at the phone. Jesus he was a sap if all it took to make him happy was to get off, and possibly get someone else off too.

After a couple moments of silence, Grant started chuckling over the phone, the sound going right to Bucky’s gut. Drawing out the last word, Grant said, “That felt good.”

Bucky laughed before he could stop himself. He replied, “It did.”

“Anything else you want tonight, Bucky?”

Still lethargic from his orgasm, wiping his hand and stomach down sloppily with his sleep pants, Bucky replied, “No, I’m good. Thanks.” He could feel sleep dragging him down.

“Anytime. Seriously, call anytime.” 

“Yeah, I just might.”

“Great, good,” Grant said, suddenly sounding shy, but Bucky was far too sleepy to figure out if it was real or not.

“Good night.”

“You too, Bucky.”

* * *

* * *

Bucky called again, and again after that, always asking for Grant. Dum Dum had been right. It was a safe way to work through his sex issues. He tried not to get too attached, but the more he heard Grant’s voice, the more he loved it.

Grant was funny and snarky, but more importantly he was sexy without being too pornographic for Bucky’s tastes. Their phone calls were more than just grunts and groans, but full of hot talk, and Bucky never felt embarrassed about the accommodations Grant made for his lack of an arm. Grant made it seem natural.

Having this outlet helped Bucky open up in his therapy sessions, although he never talked about Grant in them. He admitted to getting his sex drive back and masturbating again, but that was it. He figured that was progress enough to share with his therapist. Besides, she was thrilled enough that he was going out again, and his nightmares were lessening, he could afford to keep Grant for himself.

Bucky was finally used to the stares and looks when he went out, finally able to ignore them. He went out for coffee every morning just to get out of the house, and to do what his therapist called reacclimatizing. Brooklyn was finally beginning to feel familiar and comfortable again.

* * *

* * *

It took about a month, but he finally worked up to asking for what he wanted instead of always following Grant’s lead. He needed a good two weeks before calling to psych himself up for it, though. Once connected, he said, “Hi Grant, it’s Bucky.”

“Hey! We haven’t talked in a while. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, just that it’s good to hear your voice again.”

“Yeah, I’ve been working through some things.”

“Anything I can help with?”

“Yeah, yeah, actually.” And then after an awkward cough, Bucky fell silent, unsure of how to say what he wanted. He knew it wouldn’t be the same as picking up some guy at a club and experiencing it for real, but he felt safer broaching the topic with Grant before facing it in real life.

As the silence lengthened, Grant finally said, “Bucky? You know I’m happy with whatever.”

“Can we, ah, can we pretend you’re fucking me?” Bucky could feel his face warming from just saying the words, but he also felt freer for saying what he wanted. What he had wanted since admitting he liked men more than women.

Grant’s voice deepened as he replied, “Yeah, yeah, we can definitely do that.” There was a beat of silence, and then some rustling on the line. Then Grant was saying, “Are you naked, and am I on speaker phone?”

“Not yet,” Bucky said.

“Then you let me know when you’re ready, okay? I’ll just be here stroking myself imagining it already.” Bucky could hear the good cheer and desire in Grant’s voice, and it made him grin.

He put the phone on speaker and pushed down his sweatpants, stepping out of them when they were pooled around his ankles. He then pulled the covers down the bed, and laid back. He said, “Ready.”

“So first I would finger you for as long as you could take it. How about you rub your fingers around your hole, imagining it’s me. Can you do that?”

Shuffling to prop himself up against the headboard with a pillow behind him, and throwing his knees up and out, Bucky managed to get his fingers past his cock and stroking his hole. He shivered at the light touch he was giving himself. Grant asked, “Bucky?”

“Yeah, yeah, just doing it now.”

“How does it feel?”

“Different. Good.” 

“Good is nice, but let’s see if we can make it better.” Bucky could hear the smile in Grant’s voice. “Can you switch between stroking your cock, and touching your ass for me? And I’ll talk about all the ways I want to touch you before sinking into you.”

Bucky reached over and pumped some lube into his hand. He said, “Let’s do this.”

“I love it when you get all firm,” Grant said, and Bucky could hear in his voice that the double entendre was on purpose. 

He couldn’t keep his laugh inside. He replied, “I like what you do when you’re firm, so this is definitely a mutual appreciation society.” He stroked his cock, which was hard even with the joking around, maybe because of the freedom to kid around, his hand gliding now with the lube.

With a laugh in his voice at first, Grant replied, “So let’s move onto mutually appreciating your ass too. I would slip my fingers in deep, pushing and retreating over and over again until you’re panting and begging for more. Then I would really slam them in there, deep and hard, hitting your prostate again and again.”

Bucky’s hand was doing what Grant had originally said, and moving between stroking his cock and caressing his asshole. He couldn’t really get his fingers far inside without tipping over because of the imbalance of his missing arm, but even the slight penetration he managed was making him burn. It felt delicious. He let out a moan so Grant would know he was still there, and still getting off. He didn’t feel up for words. This was too intense.

Grant groaned in response, and then said, “Okay, okay, keep moaning like that and you’re going to have me begging in a second. So keep doing what you’re doing. Stroking and pressing, getting good and deep. My cock is already hard and pre-come is pooling in my hand waiting for you and your sweet, sweet ass.”

Bucky groaned now, and shifted in his bed, pulling his knees up higher. He pressed behind his balls, and then back against his hole again, imagining it was Grant’s fingers pressing inside him. He shuddered, and was panting loudly now.

“So good for me, yeah. Once you’re ready, I’ll guide my big cock and press it into you sharp and fast, making it burn and you tremble, but we both know you can take it, can’t you, Buck?”

“Yeah,” Bucky moaned back. “I can take it, yeah.” He pressed his fingers a little deeper into his ass.

“Yeah, you’re taking it so good. You’re tight and hot around my cock, feels like you’re trying to pull me in, you like it so much. I pull back out, making you moan, and then slam back in, doing it over and over again, fucking you hard and good.”

Bucky wished desperately for his other arm, wanting hands both in his ass and on his cock. He had been pressing in and out of his ass, but once Grant started talking about fucking him for real, his hand moved to his cock and began stripping it hard. He was groaning up a storm, as Grant started telling him again and again how good he felt.

Bucky’s orgasm rushed through him, and he practically curled over double it felt so intense. Grant let out a long groan, and was saying, “Yeah, yeah, you fucking loved it.”

Finding his voice, Bucky said, “Shit, I did.”

Grant laughed his little giggle, making Bucky smile. Grant said, “Well, glad to continue to provide a quality service.”

“You know you’re the best,” Bucky said, making Grant laugh again.

They exchanged good-byes, and hung up, Bucky feeling good about himself.

* * *

* * *

The next day, he was in the nearest coffee shop, waiting at the counter for his drink of the day, when he heard Grant’s voice say, “Large dark roast.” He did a double-take, feeling his eyes bug out, finding a short, slight guy with blond hair and a messenger bag at the register. Embarrassed at first, his brain was screaming at him to turn away, to just walk out the door, but he felt frozen to the spot.

As the guy paid and shuffled over to Bucky’s side of the counter, paying no mind to Bucky, the barista called out, “Caramel macchiato for Bucky!”

Now the guy did a double-take at Bucky, his gaze dropping to Bucky’s missing arm before flying back to Bucky’s face. He looked as gobsmacked as Bucky felt, and a deep red flush spread over his cheeks.

They might have stood there staring forever, if the barista didn’t call out again. “Large dark roast for Steve! And caramel macchiato for Bucky!”

Grant, or Steve, grabbed his drink, and then bolted for the door. Finally unfreezing, Bucky grabbed his drink, and making a snap decision, followed quickly, saying, “Wait!”

Steve might have made his escape if his messenger bag didn’t get snagged on a chair, and dump its contents over the floor. Steve skidded to a halt, and with his head down, he dropped to the floor frantically gathering his papers. He was still red as a tomato.

Placing his drink on the empty table, Bucky dropped down next to him and whispered, “Please, I just want a minute of your time.”

Grant, _Steve_ , took a shuddery breath and nodded. They gathered Steve’s papers in silence while Bucky tried to gather his thoughts that were as scattered as the papers. Finally picking up the last of them, Bucky said, “Can we sit? In the corner?”

Steve nodded again, peeking up through his fringe of hair, and Bucky’s heart flipped. He looked so devastated, and Bucky didn’t know why. Was he really so horrible of a person? Of a client? Was it his missing arm?

He handed Steve the last of the papers, and Steve followed him with a wake of desolation towards the back. Bucky thought hard. Once they were sitting, Bucky took a deep breath, and looking intently at Steve’s downturned face, found the words he wanted to say. “I just wanted to say thank you. I’m sorry if I’m being creepy or whatever, I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable, but I can’t let you go without saying this to your face. I don’t think you understand how important calling you has been for me.”

Steve looked at him then, confusion written across his face. But Bucky noticed for the first time that his eyes were wide and blue and gorgeous just like he had said on the phone. His breath caught, and it took him a second to realize Steve was apologizing, saying, “I’m sorry I’m not… more.”

Confused now too, Bucky said, “What? You’re amazing. I just told you that.”

“I can’t be what you imagined. I know what I sound like, and what I look like.” His hand waved along his torso as if to say, ‘See?’

Bucky leaned forward. He didn’t know how the conversation got so turned around from him thanking Steve to this, but he couldn’t let that kind of self-doubt stand. He knew it too intimately. “Listen. You are exactly like I imagined. You’re caring and cute, have beautiful blue eyes and a pretty mouth, and a voice like sin.”

Steve’s gaze finally settled on Bucky’s face, and he looked shocked. “You’re serious.”

Bucky just said, “Damn, right.”

Steve said, “But I know my voice makes people think I’m six feet tall, and two hundred pounds of muscle.”

Bucky shrugged. “I’m a pretty basic guy. I just followed what you said, and didn’t imagine much beyond that. I never pictured a body or whatever.” He wondered if that was weird. Uncertain, he ran his hand through his hair. “Or if I did, it was in generalities. Weight on mine, or warmth.”

Steve blinked at him, making Bucky self-conscious now. He wondered if he was disappointing Steve. He said, “I’m sorry if I’m not what you were expecting either.”

“Are you kidding? You’re gorgeous!”

Bucky snorted his disbelief. “Yeah, gorgeous with no arm and scars everywhere.”

Steve leaned forward and touched Bucky’s hand lightly. “Hey. If I have to believe you, you have to believe me. Let’s start over, okay? Hi, I’m Steve.” He then held out his hand for a shake.

Bucky nodded, seeing this as a good way out of the spiral of bad thoughts they were stuck in, and shook Steve’s hand, saying, “Hi, I’m Bucky. It’s fantastic to meet you, but I understand if you’d rather I leave.”

Slowly letting go of Bucky’s hand, Steve gave him a shy smile. “No, I don’t mind talking, if you don’t.”

Bucky took a sip of his coffee to gather his thoughts. “So would it be weird if I went back to thanking you?”

“I was just doing my job, and I got off too. No need for thanks.” Steve blushed lightly. 

Bucky grinned at knowing for sure that Steve had been getting off too. It made him feel like a hundred bucks. He said, “But you were kind and it was hot, and that was what I needed. I know it’s stupid, but talking with you helped make me feel normal again. I don’t know if I would have continued calling and feeling better if I hadn’t lucked into you. So thanks.”

Steve’s blush was more pronounced, but he held his head a little higher, and Bucky considered it a win. A confident Steve looked completely enticing. Steve said, “You’re welcome.”

Smiling at him, Bucky said, “I never expected to run into you.”

“Yeah. I’ve never run into a client before. It’s weird, but if it was anyone, I’m glad it was you.”

Now it was Bucky’s turn to feel bashful, but kind of hopeful at the same time. He smiled at Steve, and was glad when Steve smiled easily back. Steve might not know what Bucky looked like naked, but he knew about Bucky’s arm, had probably guessed his insecurities, and wasn’t running away. He wasn’t sure if it was too much to hope for more.

No way to find out except asking, feeling brave, Bucky squared his shoulders, and put his hand below the table so he could cross his fingers just in case. He asked, “So would it be too awkward to ask you to go on a date with me?”

“I’m not sure…” Steve was biting his lip, and looked adorable, but Bucky tried to keep his feelings off his face. He didn’t want to overwhelm Steve.

He said, “I promise there aren’t expectations besides getting to know you.”

Cautiously, Steve said, “I guess that would be all right. Except I wouldn’t feel comfortable if you still called my work. I would need boundaries.”

“Boundaries I can do. You just let me know what they are, or if I cross one. I promise, I have the best intentions at heart.”

Steve nodded, his blush coming back, and Bucky knew that provoking that color across Steve’s cheeks was his new favorite thing. Grinning, Bucky said, “So how about I give you my number, and we can plan our date?”

“I work Friday and Saturday nights, but I’m free on Sunday?”

“Sunday works perfect for me. Here, let me tell you my number.” Steve entered Bucky’s name and number into his phone, and Bucky said, “Just text me, and I’ll let you know where and what time, okay?”

“Yeah, sounds good.”

Bucky smiled, and not wanting to put Steve on the spot any further, he got up, picked up his coffee, and with one final salute with it, left the coffee shop.

He walked around the corner, and then slumped against the side of the building. He whispered, “Holy shit, what did I just do?” He was excited, but also scared out of his mind, and rushing into his brain now were all the ways he would fuck this up. He needed to talk to Dum Dum.

Having a plan again, he resumed his walk home, picking up speed.

* * *

* * *

Funnily enough, the first words out of Dum Dum’s mouth about the issue were also, “Holy shit.”

Bucky said, “I know, right?”

“Let me get this straight. You asked your hot, phone sex operator out, and he said yes?”

“Am I insane?”

“No, you are the luckiest SOB ever! It’s like dating a porn star!” 

Dum Dum looked like he wanted to high five Bucky. He did give him two thumbs up. Bucky smirked, but admitted, “I don’t know if I’m ready.”

“This is not the time for doubts, my friend.”

“You know what my scars look like.”

Leaning forward intently, and pointing at the screen, Dum Dum said, “Yeah, I do. And I know those are badges of honor. If this guy can’t see that, or any guy for that matter, dump them. They aren’t worth your time.”

Bucky slouched. “It doesn’t work like that.”

Dum Dum just emphasized his message with, “Fuck. Them.”

Rolling his eyes, Bucky said, “Can we change the topic?” He knew Dum Dum was right in theory, but in practice that wasn’t how people worked. That also wasn’t how Bucky felt about his scars. He would rather have the sacrs than any of his guys dead, but that didn’t mean he wanted to look at them.

Dum Dum nodded, but then said, “I will kick your ass if you sabotage yourself, fair warning.”

Bucky rolled his eyes again, but then smiled as Dum Dum started talking about Dernier’s latest exploit. Dum Dum was a good friend.

* * *

* * *

Bucky thought casual was the way to go for their date. He didn’t want to make it overly romantic since he wasn’t sure he was ready to bare his body to anyone, let alone someone he was attracted to, and he did find Steve attractive. So he suggested they go to lunch and explore the Williamsburg Flea Market. He didn’t even have to lie when he admitted to Steve that he wanted to go because his apartment was empty, and he could use some stuff to spruce it up.

Steve agreed readily, and Bucky felt good about his choice. Steve sounded relieved, and Bucky knew he was walking a tightrope with his desire for him. He had to remember that they didn’t really know each other, despite the phone sex. On the other hand, he also had to remember that Steve had never shown any reticence about Bucky’s lost arm or his scars on the phone, so he shouldn’t let his issues hold them back. It was tough to maneuver through all this, but he had the suspicion that Steve would be worth it.

They met up by the subway station; it was a bit more of a walk to the flea market than taking the bus, but neither minded. Bucky was just happy that Steve felt comfortable enough to give him a half-hug when they met up. They started walking towards the flea market, and Bucky said, “I hope you don’t mind looking for stuff for my apartment.”

“Not at all. I like the flea market. It’s how I furnished my apartment, besides hand-me-downs.”

Interested, Bucky asked, “Find anything good?”

“I did. I found some nice art deco style end tables that I like a lot.” 

Steve sketched some shapes in the air, but Bucky had no idea how they translated to end tables. He nodded anyway, and Steve smiled. Bucky said, “Nice. I have enough furniture, but I’m hoping for something cool to liven up the place. Maybe a colorful blanket for the couch, or a picture or something.”

“All right. We can do a targeted approach then. I know where most of the artisan vendors are, so we can go there first and explore what’s available.”

Jokingly, Bucky said, “Sounds like you’re the man with the plan.”

In response Steve just pushed him gently in the shoulder, and Bucky laughed. Bucky let Steve lead him through the flea market towards the side where the artist booths were. There were watercolor pictures, quilts, wooden boxes and bowls, and other crafty items that Bucky thought were probably too fancy for his minimalist apartment. As they walked around inspecting everything for sale, Bucky wanted to ask Steve about his life; this was a get-to-know-you date after all. He realized they could joke around like old friends because of the phone sex, but he didn’t really know much about Steve, and Steve only knew the basics about him.

So lowering his voice in case Steve was embarrassed by it, he asked, “So how did you get into being a phone sex operator?”

Blushing, Steve did look around to see if anyone heard, so Bucky was glad he had almost whispered it. Still Steve calmly replied, “My Ma died when I was nineteen and in my first year of art school. I could get loans to cover the tuition cost, but not rent or groceries. I don’t have the best health, and Brooklyn is so expensive now that I needed something other than work at a fast food joint. My friend Sam always talked about my killer voice, and I saw an ad in the Village Voice, and the rest is history.”

“I’m sorry for your loss. You had no one else?”

“Naw, it was just my Ma and me.” 

Bucky gave Steve a half hug, and Steve leaned into him, which made him feel better. He didn’t like thinking of Steve on his own. Bucky said, “You do have the perfect voice for it.”

Rolling his eyes, Steve said, “So I’m told, but like I said, people get an idea of what I look like that doesn’t fit.”

Before Bucky could delve into that, he saw a stained glass display, and got distracted. “Those look great,” he said, pointing. Steve nodded, and pulled Bucky over to the booth. They wandered around checking out how the sun painted colors on the ground from the stained glass, and Bucky was entranced. He kept coming back to one of a sailboat on the water done in blues and greens. It was long and thin, with the stained glass border done in browns as if the pieces were rope, and in the picture the sails were at full mast and straining with the wind. It spoke to Bucky.

After the third time he came back to it, Steve asked, “You like this one, huh?”

“Yeah, but I’m afraid to look at the price tag.”

Steve leaned forward, and caught the little tag, and then made a grimace. “It’s expensive, but actually kind of cheap considering the cost of the other pieces I was admiring.”

Bucky squared his shoulders, said, “Hit me,” and leaned forward so that Steve could turn the tag so that he could see it. It was pricey, and he wouldn’t be able to afford a lot of other things today or this month, but it was doable. The question was whether one expensive thing was worth more than a lot of little things? Bucky had never been one to collect things. Being in the army, he liked to be portable, but then again, that was no longer true.

So the question was really whether he was the type of guy to fill his apartment with things, or to just have a couple of accent pieces? As Bucky contemplated, Steve asked, “What are you thinking?”

“What kind of guy I am. I don’t think I’m the type to have a lot of little knick knacks, so this might be worth it.”

“You do keep coming back to it, and it’s gorgeous.”

“You know what? I’m getting it. It makes me feel free.”

Steve smiled at him as the stained glass colors shifted over his skin. He looked beautiful. Bucky smiled helplessly back, just as the artist came over, and luckily distracted Bucky before he could get too sentimental. They arranged payment and delivery, and Steve and Bucky continued down the aisle to look at other wares. Picking up their old conversation, Bucky said, “Art school, huh? What kind of artist are you?”

“I want to create comic books. I have some ideas for characters and universes, but wasn’t able to get a job in the field when I graduated. Right now I’m working in an art gallery.”

“You’re working two jobs? Jesus.” Bucky was blown away by his dedication.

Steve said, “The art gallery is only part-time, so I couldn’t quit the phone job.”

“Well, I, for one, am grateful for that. Besides you’re great at it. I hope your bosses appreciate it.”

“Funnily enough, they do. I get bonuses for repeat customers. But it took a while to get to this point. I was _horrible_ to start. Too self-conscious and nervous.”

Bucky looked at him in disbelief, but Steve looked totally serious. “I don’t believe that.”

“Oh my god, you have no idea. It was all theatrical groans, and I was trying to mask my voice, while also using porn dialogue. I don’t know why guys called back.”

Bucky laughed as he expected Steve wanted him to. He tried to imagine it, but he couldn’t. Or he could, but having Steve there in front of him pretending to moan just turned him on, no matter how fake it sounded. He had it so bad.

Steve laughed too, and then pointed out the food booths. Since it was approaching early afternoon, and neither had eaten since breakfast, they ordered some hamburgers and drinks, and sat down. As they ate, they discussed Bucky’s plans for the future, which boiled down to ‘I have no idea,’ but Steve was a good sport, and threw ideas out for Bucky to think about. He appreciated the seriousness Steve approached it with. Everyone else told him to take it easy, but Bucky was going nuts hiding out in his apartment all day.

After lunch, they wandered the rest of the flea market, Bucky buying a throw blanket for the couch, also in greens and blues to match the stained glass. At sunset, they made their way back to the subway, and Steve gave him a quick kiss as a good-bye, so Bucky considered it a win all the way around.

* * *

* * *

After that date, Bucky and Steve talked nearly every day, as well as hung out whenever Steve was free. They went to the movies, to dinner, and out for coffee, and just got to know each other better. Bucky was reluctant to push too hard considering Steve’s work versus relationship issues, and considering his own body image issues. He was still torn about Steve seeing his scars.

Today they had taken the subway into Manhattan to while away the day at the Puerto Rican Day parade. It was a lot of standing, but it was a fun crowd, and Steve was really into the floats. Bucky thought it was cute. 

When they finally made it back to Bucky’s place, which was on the way home for Steve, Bucky asked, “Is it too late, or do you want to come up for coffee?”

“I’d love to,” Steve replied with a grin. “And it’s not too late. I’m actually kind of eager to hang out more.”

Bucky grinned at him, and pressed a kiss to his cheek. “Good to hear.”

They walked up to Bucky’s second floor apartment, kicking off their shoes by the door. For lack of anything else to offer, Bucky actually did go to the kitchen to start coffee. He turned around from filling the coffee machine with water, and Steve was right there, whispering, “Can I?”

“Whatever you want,” Bucky replied, and then Steve was kissing him. Bucky’s eyelids fell shut, and his lips tingled, making him open his mouth on a groan. Steve took immediate advantage, sliding his tongue into Bucky’s mouth, and pressing closer.

The coffee percolating behind them, they made out for long minutes, Steve nipping and biting at Bucky’s lips, and Bucky trying to give as good as he got. Steve was a great kisser, but he also seemed to appreciate Bucky’s rusty skills.

When Steve started nibbling down his throat, Bucky easily tilted his head back, and said, “God, I forgot how much I love kissing.” His voice was husky.

Steve shifted one hand from Bucky’s hip to his cock. With a playful tone, he asked, “Do you remember how much you love getting blowjobs?”

“Jesus, you’re killing me.” Bucky grabbed the back of Steve’s head, and moved him so that they could kiss again. This time Steve thrust his tongue into Bucky’s mouth again and again simulating what he was offering. Bucky groaned. 

Steve continued to rub Bucky’s clothed cock as their second kiss grew deeper and wetter. Finally they needed breath and broke apart, panting. Bucky leaned his forehead on Steve’s. 

Picking up their conversation, Steve whispered, “But in the best possible way, yeah?”

“Oh fucking yeah.” Bucky kissed him lightly again. Steve smiled into the kiss, and then unbuttoned Bucky’s jeans, pulling apart the sides so that the zipper unzipped. He broke the kiss, and gracefully slid to his knees. He looked up into Bucky’s eyes, and Bucky shook. Steve’s eyes were fond and blue as the sky, and this was the sexiest thing Bucky had seen in forever, particular next to his cock.

Steve pulled down Bucky’s jeans and underwear just enough to have room to maneuver. Bucky appreciated the thoughtfulness, since the minimum number of scars were on display. Steve didn’t pay them any attention, his gaze never leaving Bucky’s cock. It made Bucky feel more comfortable, and less emotional exposed. 

Steve kissed his hip, and then turned his face so that he could breathe hotly across Bucky’s cock. He said, “Well, hello,” and then licked up Bucky’s cock obscenely. Moaning, Bucky threw his hand out to the side, white-knuckling the counter, so that he didn’t grab Steve’s head.

Steve’s gaze flickered up to him with a smile on his lips, making Bucky curse at how beautiful Steve was. Steve rolled a condom onto Bucky’s cock, and then pulled Bucky’s cock into his mouth and began bobbing his head slow and easy, still holding Bucky’s hips lightly. Biting his lip, Bucky whimpered at the heat and delicious sensations. Steve also looked like he was loving every second with his eyelids fluttering, and moaning as he moved.

Bucky lasted only a couple of minutes, which he personally was impressed by. It had been so long, and Steve looked so good, that coming immediately was a definite possibility. When he came with a long drawn-out moan, the only things keeping him upright were his death grip on the counter, and Steve’s hands.

Steve whispered, “Fuck, yeah,” and when Bucky was back to himself, helped Bucky tie-off the condom. Bucky leaned back against the counter for support, and as Steve scrambled to his feet, pulled Steve into a hard kiss. Bucky could taste the oily taste of the condom on Steve’s lips as Steve humped his thigh eagerly. He couldn’t help but wish he could taste himself inside Steve’s mouth.

Bucky was totally into it until Steve started to push his t-shirt up. Then his blood ran cold, and he broke the kiss as his hand gripped Steve’s tight, holding it in place. It all happened so fast that Bucky moved before he even knew he was going to do it. When he realized the fear controlling his actions, he blushed. He told his hand to relax its grip, but he was frozen in shock and panic, staring at Steve. Steve was saying, “Hey, Bucky, it’s all right. I won’t do anything. You can let go.”

Blinking and desperate to get himself under control, when Bucky finally came to grips with his fear, he dropped Steve’s hand like a hot potato. “Shit. I’m sorry.”

Steve turned it around, and gripped Bucky’s hand before Bucky could wiggle away. “No, I’m sorry. I should have asked first. You told me; I just forgot.”

Despairing, Bucky said, “Not your fault I’m a head-case.”

“You’re not a head-case. We all have issues. I should have remembered yours.”

Bucky just shook his head, but Steve took hold of his chin, and said, “Really. It’s okay with me if you never get past it. And I’ll do better at remembering. It’s a little thing, Buck. I promise, not the end of the world.”

Just then the coffee maker hissed as the last of the coffee dripped into the pot. Bucky closed his eyes and tried to get his emotions under control. He said, “How about that coffee now?”

“Yeah, sure.”

Waving at his nakedness, Bucky said, “Why don’t you wait in the living room, and I’ll just…”

“Sure you don’t need me to do anything?” Steve looked concerned, but he was obviously trying to act natural.

“Positive.”

Nodding, Steve went into the living room, running a hand through his hair as he went.

Bucky quickly got his underwear up, and then his jeans. He then turned and made two coffees. Luckily he knew Steve liked it black, so he just had to add cream and sugar to his. Then gripping the two handles together in his hand, he went to the living room.

Steve was standing there with his arms around himself, and looked uncertain, but smiled at Bucky nonetheless. Bucky felt like a chump. Steve helped separate the two coffees, and they sat side-by-side on the couch.

Figuring that it obviously was going to be easier to expose his insecurities than expose his scars, Bucky said, “Sorry about that. I guess I’m not ready yet, at least for taking off my shirt.”

“That’s more than okay. I should have figured. I was a bit swept away.” Steve shot him a tremulous smile, and Bucky hated seeing him so uncertain. Making another snap decision, he put down his coffee, and asked, “All right if I put my arm around you?”

Steve replied, “Of course,” so Bucky leaned back and put his arm around Steve so Steve could snuggle into his side. They sat there for a couple minutes in the quiet, Steve drinking his coffee slowly.

Finally, looking forward so he didn’t have to see Steve’s expressions in case pity was there, Bucky said, “The scars are pretty extensive along my side and back. They’re ugly, and I hate them. Add in the missing arm, and I know I’m a mess about it. I’m in therapy, so I’m getting more comfortable, but I guess I’m not there yet. I would understand if you wanted out.”

Steve stiffened immediately. “Hey, no. Not at all! Not if you don’t.”

Bucky slumped, but still turned to look at Steve, and asked, “Are you sure?”

Steve pecked a kiss to his lips. “Positive. You just have boundaries the same as I do. I’ll do everything to respect them. It’s not a problem.”

“Thank you,” Bucky said, willing to take the comfort for the moment. 

They sat silently then, as Steve finished his coffee. Bucky‘s thoughts were stuck in a loop of hope and despair. He wanted desperately for things to work out with Steve, but he liked Steve too much to saddle him with Bucky’s issues. He didn’t know what to do.

Finally, Steve said, “So I think it’s time I go. Thanks for a great day.”

Bucky snorted in disbelief, but Steve talked over him. “It _was_ a great day. No one ever agrees to go to parades with me. You made it great. I promise.”

Shaking his head, Bucky walked Steve to the door. “You’re crazy, you know that?”

“But in the best possible way, right?”

“You know it,” Bucky replied with a smile and a kiss to his cheek. It was all fake, but Steve didn’t seem to realize. Steve beamed at him, and then slipped out the door. Bucky closed it and then rested his head on the doorframe. “Stupid, stupid, stupid.”

* * *

* * *

Bucky’s opinion of his actions didn’t improve after a night filled with nightmares. How could he expect Steve to put up with his issues when he barely wanted to tolerate them himself? So when Steve called, despite Steve’s upbeat tone, Bucky said, “I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

“Hey, what? Don’t be silly.” Bucky could hear the shock in Steve’s voice.

He replied, “I’m not being silly. I’m a mess, Steve. I don’t want you to have to deal with it.”

“That’s a stupid reason. If we all waited until we weren’t messy, no one would ever date.”

“My issues are a bit deeper than you average, garden-variety Joe’s.”

Steve said, “Maybe, but that doesn’t mean you have to shut everyone out.”

“I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

“Fine.” Steve hung up on him, and Bucky felt like crap, but told himself it was for the best.

After moping around the apartment for half an hour, and rethinking his decision half a dozen times, there was a knock at the door. All right, more of a pounding at the door. Bucky answered already knowing who was on the other side. Psyching himself up, he opened it to a defiant Steve, and belligerently asked, “What the hell are you doing here?”

Steve, despite his size, was having none of Bucky’s posturing. He pushed Bucky backwards, and stormed into the apartment. “I’m not going to let you throw away one of the best things in my life because you’re scared!”

Bucky’s heart leapt at Steve calling him one of the best things in his life. He had never been that for anyone before. Still, he should stay strong. He said, “I’m not scared! I’m being responsible!”

Steve hotly said back, “You’re not! It’s actually totally irresponsible!”

“You’re wrong. You’re twisting things around.”

“No, I’m not. I’m straightening them out. Give us a chance first and then if it doesn’t work, then you can back out. But don’t forfeit without even trying. That’s not fair to me, but more importantly it’s not fair to you.”

Crossing his arm defiantly, Bucky asked, “How do you figure that?”

“You’re not letting yourself heal and grow. You need other people for that, you can’t do it in isolation. People aren’t built that way.” Steve held out a hand in entreaty.

Ignoring it, Bucky said, “Well, maybe I am.” He didn’t sound as confident as he had wanted to.

Steve clenched his hand into a fist, and dropped it to his side. Still he had firmness in his voice that was lacking in Bucky’s when he replied, “Bullshit. You wouldn’t have needed to call a phone sex line if you were.”

“That’s a low blow.” Bucky flushed hot.

Shaking his head, Steve said, “I don’t mean it was wrong, I mean it was necessary. You need people just as much as any of us, including me. Please, Bucky.”

Running his hand through his hair, Bucky said, “I don’t know. You’re confusing me.”

“Just a shot, that’s all I want.”

Wavering, not sure what he thought anymore, Bucky said, “Steve-”

Steve said, “Please, Bucky,” and that was what it finally took. The pleading sound in Steve’s voice, and his intent gaze on Bucky’s face. Bucky couldn’t say no to him anymore.

Bucky said, “Okay, we’ll try.”

Steve was quick to agree. “That’s all I’m asking.” Bucky nodded, and then looked at the floor, unsure of what to do next. Steve, not as hesitant, came up to Bucky, and said, “Can I hug you now?”

Bucky met Steve’s gaze, and then nodded, and just that fast Steve was in his arm, shaking a bit. Bucky ran his hand along his back, trying to ease Steve’s shudders, and otherwise just held on tight. He hoped he was making the right decision.

* * *

* * *

The next two weeks were an exercise in frustration. Both Bucky and Steve were tentative on the couple of dates they managed, so they stuck to kisses and light hugging. Bucky wanted more, but was afraid of freaking out, and it was obvious that Steve was afraid of pushing his boundaries.

Bucky got so frustrated he even told Dum Dum about the whole fiasco, who told him to ‘man up.’

As unhelpful as the advice had seemed at the time, Bucky kept coming back to it. He knew Dum Dum had meant to initiate more than just kissing, with or without a shirt, but his thoughts kept coming back to manning up the whole way. Just expose his scars like ripping off a Band-Aid.

It couldn’t be worse than the worry of accidentally exposing them that he was feeling now, and how hesitant Steve was being. Instead of in control and in charge, the whole situation made him feel vulnerable and fragile, which just pissed him off. He thought he was over the whole fear thing. Hadn’t he been through enough?

Deciding that he had had enough, for their next date Bucky said he wanted to stay in. Steve didn’t question it, and in fact seemed pleased. They settled on Bucky’s couch with a couple of beers and a baseball game on TV. It wasn’t the Dodgers, or any of the New York teams, so it seemed like a safe bet.

Steve invited Bucky to slouch down so that he could put one arm around Bucky, and they could be close, but both still drink their beers. Bucky spent the first four innings working up his courage, and at the top of the fifth, he turned and nuzzled under Steve’s chin. Tilting his head down, Steve welcomed Bucky’s kiss.

Bucky slowly leaned back onto the other side of the couch, pulling Steve, who hovered uncertainly over him. Bucky said, “Come on, Steve. We have to move forward some time.” He tried to pull Steve closer, but Steve resisted.

Steve asked, “But is this the right time?”

“We’ll never know until we try.” Bucky held Steve’ gaze, until he finally got a small nod from Steve, and the resistance in Steve’s body disappeared. Steve settled on Bucky, and the weight felt wonderful.

“Okay, but let me know if I do something you don’t like. I promise to stop.” Steve sounded nervous, but Bucky was actually comforted by that. Reassuring Steve was a higher priority than his own insecurities.

So he just nodded, and kissed Steve. They made out for long, drugging minutes, the heat in the non-air-conditioned room amplified by their bodies sliding close. Bucky felt like he could melt right through the couch, even with the fan blowing.

His arm held Steve tight, and he rucked up Steve’s shirt, saying, “How about you take this off?”

Steve again asked, “Are you sure?” Bucky just glared at him, until he acquiesced with a small grin. He then levered up to remove his shirt, revealing his thin body. Bucky couldn’t take his eyes off Steve’s pert nipples.

Bucky encouraged Steve to lean forward, so that he could suck one into his mouth. Steve’s body jerked at the contact, and he moaned obscenely, which went right through Bucky. He loved the way Steve sounded when he was turned on. He had loved it over the phone, and loved it even more now that it was in person.

Bucky switched to Steve’s other nipple, and Steve whispered, “Oh yeah,” as his body shook. After one final lick across both nipples, Bucky looked into Steve’s face, and smiled at the look of desire and anticipation on it. Steve said, “If we’re going to do this, can we move to the bedroom?”

Bucky said, “Yeah, of course.”

Steve got to his feet, looking a bit wobbly and disjointed, and going by the bulge in his pants, Steve was already turned on a lot. Bucky grinned, partly because he was in the same boat, partly because he was feeling good in the moment. It would come to a head when they reached the bedroom, but at that second he felt like he could bare his scars and it would all be okay.

He led the way to the bedroom, pushing the door open and feeling the cold air from the bedroom air-conditioner seeping out. Once in the room, Steve shivered a bit, and rubbed his arms, so Bucky hugged him as well as he could, and said, “I forgot about the air-conditioner. Want to go back out?”

“Naw, it actually feels nice. It was just the shock of it that got me.”

They stood there awkwardly for a second, and Bucky knew it was up to him. He took a couple steps away from Steve, and taking a deep breath, pulled his shirt over his head. He couldn’t look directly at Steve, so he gazed over Steve’s shoulder towards the window.

There was a blink of silence, and then Steve asked, “Can I touch you?”

Almost out of his control, he looked at Steve, who was watching him closely, but didn’t look disgusted. He nodded, and Steve stepped forward the three steps and wrapped his arms tight around Bucky. Taking a shuddery breath and a second to get used to someone else touching his scars and the stub of his arm, waiting to see if he was going to freak out, finally Bucky wrapped his arm around Steve in return.

Steve looked up at Bucky, and said, “You’re still the most gorgeous man I have ever met, and now you’re the bravest.”

Bucky huffed out a laugh. “You’re full of shit. I know brave guys, and I am not one of the bravest.”

Steve rolled his eyes, and with a smile, said, “Luckily, I didn’t say one of the smartest, because you often miss what’s right in front of your face.”

“Hey punk, none of that!”

Steve giggled, and Bucky smiled, feeling more and more comfortable every second. He knew it wouldn’t stay that way, that it would come and go, but he was okay with that. The cold air from the air-conditioner began to feel a bit too cold, so he said, “Let’s get our pants off, and get under the covers.”

Steve did one of his checking-in glances, but Bucky just unzipped his pants, and wiggling out of them with a speaking glance of his own. Steve grinned back, and as Bucky crawled into bed, Steve was shucking his pants, and following right behind him.

Bucky found comfort in snuggling under the covers. He felt less exposed, even though Steve was plastered right up against him. He guessed it was people staring at his scars and missing arm that was the problem, not Steve feeling the absence, especially since Steve didn’t seem to care. His hand was mapping Bucky’s body, not shying away from the scars, but not focusing on them either, and before Bucky could think anymore, Steve was kissing him ardently.

Bucky kissed back, and worked to keep his mind on the good sensations. He knew his kissing was a little distracted, so he wasn’t surprised when Steve broke the kiss to ask, “Hanging in there?”

Nodding, Bucky said, “Yeah. I’m doing okay,” and he was still a bit surprised that it was true. The end of his arm was right up against Steve’s bicep, and he knew it must be different for Steve, but Steve was radiating calm, which kept Bucky from overreacting moment to moment. He took a deep breath, and rolled onto his back, and tugged Steve over him. “Come here.”

Scrambling to lie over Bucky, Steve was all bony angles, and loose limbs. Event that just turned Bucky on further. Huffing out a laugh, Steve looked down at Bucky once he was done, and said, “Happy now?”

“Yeah, yeah, I am.”

Steve asked, “Can I blow you?”

Licking his lip, which Steve watched avidly, Bucky replied, “Actually I was hoping for something different.”

“Anything, Buck, you know that.”

“Remember my last sex-line call?”

Bucky watched as Steve blinked in surprise, and he shifted a bit nervously. “You want me to fuck you? I thought you hadn’t done that before?”

“No time like the present.”

“I’m not sure…”

“I am,” Bucky replied, adding, “Please?”

Finally Steve nodded seriously, and Bucky smiled and squeezed his hip, until Steve smiled back. Not wanting to wait anymore, Bucky kissed Steve, taking charge for the moment, to get them past any awkwardness.

He knew what Steve was thinking, it would be too much for Bucky on top of everything else, but that was why Bucky wanted to do it that way. He was a jump in the lake kind of guy, not a dip your toes in kind. If he could handle everything today, he felt like he would be able to handle things better moving forward. He knew this might be wishful thinking on his part, recovery wasn’t a direct road, there were a lot of roadblocks and diversions, but at least he could look back on this as a win. Hopefully.

Steve started rubbing his cock against Bucky’s hip as it hardened, and Bucky bent and spread his legs so that Steve’s legs would fall in-between them. It made it easier to get friction against his own cock, and also made Steve squirm delightfully, which was an added bonus.

After long minutes of kissing and dry-humping, Steve started nibbling down the column of Bucky’s neck. He was cognizant enough to do it down the unscarred side, which Bucky appreciated, since he was feeling good, and didn’t want that feeling derailed.

Mumbling into Bucky’s collarbone, Steve asked, “Lube?”

Pinned down by Steve, Bucky couldn’t reach across for the pump bottle. He said, “It’s on the bedside table. You’ll have to get it.” Steve just nodded, and licked Bucky’s belly-button, making him shiver and laugh at the light touch of tongue. Steve then opened his eyes, and looked into Bucky’s, checking in, and Bucky pulled him into a quick kiss to show everything was good. 

Steve fumbled an arm out from under the blanket, and grabbed the bottle of lube. He asked, “Are you cold; do you want the blanket over you? I’m hot now, so...”

Bucky felt overheated too, so he replied, “No, you can push it down, I’m good.” He knew he would be exposed but Steve was being so casual, he felt okay about it. Plus he hoped Steve would be distracted by his ass, and so would he.

Steve kissed him quickly, and dropping the bottle of lube by Bucky’s hip, he then scooted down the bed and helped Bucky squirm out of his underwear. Steve also wiggled out of his own, which was a delight to watch.

After they were both naked, he curled between the vee of Bucky’s thighs. He licked Bucky’s cock, humming as he did. Bucky’s hips jerked, and he cursed a bit. Steve just slanted him a smug smile, but before Bucky could say anything he did it again, making Bucky curse again, and Steve giggled.

Then Steve’s hand was caressing his balls, and moving down behind them. Before he went any further, Bucky watched him pump out a few squirts of lube, and then his hand returned, gliding easily. Bucky pushed himself up on his hand to get a better look, and he could see that both their attentions were on Steve’s hand. Bucky was biting his lip in anticipation, and when Steve’s fingers slid over his hole, he let out a whoosh of air. It felt just as good as when he had touched himself there.

Steve looked up between his lashes at Bucky, and the combined hit of that coquettish look and the stimulation of the nerves around his hole, just shot right through him. He moaned loudly, and slumped back down to the bed, spreading his legs wider.

Bucky heard Steve whisper, “Oh, holy fuck,” and one of his fingers breached the rim. It felt weird and filling, but good at the same time. Bucky’s hips shifted into the touch when Steve didn’t push in enough for his liking. Steve asked, “Okay?”

“Yeah, I’m good. Keep going, _please_.”

Steve’s finger pushed in further, and Bucky breathed through it. And then Steve was pulling out his finger, and entering with two, stretching Bucky more. Shifting and squirming, feeling turned on and waves of desire pulsing in him, Bucky said, “That’s good, so good. God, Steve.”

Steve was breathing heavily, and he added a third finger after another minute or so. Bucky moaned loudly when that happened. The desire was ratcheting up and up, he was beginning to lose track of time and his surroundings, focusing more and more on his ass and cock, and the building passion between him and Steve.

He could feel one of Steve’s arms rhythmically hitting his calf, and assumed Steve was jacking himself off slowly. He couldn’t find the strength to open his eyes to confirm it, because just the thought was exciting enough to make him whimper more.

Steve’s arm slowed against his calf, and Steve began nosing around the base of Bucky’s cock, licking and rubbing with his nose. His other hand kept up the driving rhythm into Bucky’s ass. Bucky cursed up a storm, and finally demanded, “Now, Steve, dammit, now!”

Steve lowly said, “Yeah, fuck.” His hand withdrew, and Bucky mewled at the loss. Steve straightened up so that he was sitting upright, and then got a confused look on his face. “Shit, condoms.”

Bucky began cursing up a storm. He had forgotten about that. He hadn’t bought any yet, since they were moving so slowly before he got impatient. From the look of despair on Steve’s face, he didn’t come prepared either. As Bucky continued to creatively curse everyone and everything, a smile suddenly cracked across Steve’s face, and he began giggling in earnest.

Breaking his blue streak, Bucky retorted, “This is no laughing matter!”

Steve crawled up Bucky’s body until he was hovering over him. Bucky put his hand on Steve’s hip to help stabilize him. Their bobbing erections were rubbing, and Bucky’s hips arched involuntarily. Still giggling, Steve said, “It really is, Buck.”

Feeling his bottom lip push out in a pout that was only half for show, Bucky replied, “But this isn’t how I wanted the date to go.”

“They’ll always be more dates.”

Before Bucky knew he was going to say it, he asked, “Always?” 

A tender look crossed over Steve’s face, and he brushed the back of one hand across Bucky’s cheek. “Yeah, Buck. I’m with you ‘til the end of the line. I think I’ve proven you’re not getting rid of me.”

“I don’t deserve you,” Bucky whispered back. Steve could do so much better than Bucky, it was ridiculous.

Steve smiled a small, private smile, like he could read Bucky’s mind and thought he was being silly. He probably could. He was amazing like that. Steve said, “But I deserve what I want, and I want you. Riddle me that.”

Having no answer for that, Bucky pouted harder. Steve laughed in his face, but then wiggled backwards again to resume his place between Bucky’s legs. He pumped more lube onto the fingers of both hands, and reentered Bucky with two fingers. As he built up to three again, his other hand was stroking Bucky with a punishing pace. Bucky’s pout was forgotten as he moaned loudly, and his hips jerked in-between the two sensations. Even with the break in the action, it was too much all too soon, and he was coming hard before he realized he was that close.

Steve’s hand moved to his own cock, but Bucky gathered his wits, and said, “No, fuck, let me.” 

Steve just moaned louder and his hand slowed, but didn’t let go. 

Bucky said, “Straddle my stomach, I want to watch you come apart.”

Steve scrambled up and was soon kneeling over Bucky’s belly, stroking his cock while biting his lip and staring intently into Bucky’s face. He was making this slight keening sound that was riling Bucky up like no one’s business.

Bucky wrapped his hand around both Steve’s hand and his cock, which made Steve louder and bolder. His hips moved in time with their hands, and lube oozed between their fingers. Bucky barely noticed, because he couldn’t break out of Steve’s intent gaze. He felt pinned in place, but in a good, sexy way. Bucky’s breath hitched, and his cock twitched, as Steve bit his lip, and moaned louder still.

Then Steve was throwing back his head, showing his perfect neck and jawline, and coming all over Bucky’s chest. It was the best experience of Bucky’s life to date. He did that, he brought Steve joy. He felt less broken than he had felt in forever.

Steve slumped down, seeming not to care about the mess of come beneath him, and hummed contentedly. It was obvious he was one of the nap after sex guys. Luckily Bucky found it cute to have Steve nuzzling him, because he was full of energy after sex unless it was late at night.

Still, dried come was gross, so he got Steve to roll to the clean side, and he got up and cleaned himself off, and brought a washcloth back into the bedroom to wipe down an already droopy-eyed Steve. He then crawled back into the bed, also on the clean side, where Steve snuggled up to him. Steve hummed contentedly, his eyes already closed.

Bucky kissed the top of his head, and said, “Go to sleep, Steve.”

Steve was boneless weight against him seconds later.

It gave Bucky time to reflect and work through his emotions. He felt proud that he hadn’t freaked out again, and was kind of amazed that he had gotten so distracted by the sex, that he had forgotten about his scars through a lot of it. And now Steve was sleeping against his missing arm and his scarred side, and he never wanted him to leave.

It was like Steve had squirmed his way past Bucky’s defenses and was now next to Bucky in his circle of personal boundaries. And from what he had said, although they hadn’t used the word love, Steve planned on staying there come hell or high water. Bucky had imagined he would feel uncomfortable and crowded if he let anyone close, but he didn’t. He felt cherished and accepted.

Bucky rolled so that he could hold Steve closer, and closed his eyes. He wouldn’t fall asleep, but he would enjoy holding Steve for as long as possible. Still thinking through everything, he guessed he had finally found that _connection_ that was missing from his other sexual experiences. It felt better than he had imagined, and he couldn’t help but think it was worth the wait, simply because it was Steve.


End file.
